Drifting.....

image from Freepik.com

That's how I've been feeling these past few weeks ~ just drifting on a flat sea, with no land in sight.  I've had some major "wobbles", in particular wondering if moving here to Orkney was a good idea.  Sometimes, despite having Adrian, I feel very lonely.  It occurred to me that although I have acquaintances I don't have any close friends, and indeed haven't had since I left school.  It doesn't make it any easier to know that because of what was happening in my life back then, my anger and resentment encouraged me to cut off my nose to spite my face as it were and I've struggled to climb out of that particular hole ever since.

I joined the Scottish Women's Institute in January and although the ladies are pleasant I don't really feel like I "belong".  I think it would be fair to say that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, to be honest.

 I often feel like my life has just "happened", without me having much input at all.  Much of the time it's felt like I've been standing outside of myself, just watching but making no effort to control or direct anything.  I find it hard to believe that I will soon be 65 years old and yet I still have no idea who "Sharon" is.  I often feel like I'm an empty sort of person, just drifting along with no purpose, no goals, no talents, no achievements, always feeling second-best and second-rate.  And what makes me feel even worse is knowing just how lucky I really am, with all that's going on in the world, but still feeling this way.

I realise that I am wallowing in self-pity and that I need to pull up my big girl knickers and just do something ~ anything really.  I know this isn't the sort of post that anyone really wants to read (if, indeed, anyone actually does read anything I post) but I just wanted to try to explain why my posting has been so erratic.  Hopefully I'll feel on a more even keel at some point and will be able to get on with life again.